Things I See and Know

NaBloPoMo Thursday, November 21, 2013
Describe an outfit that makes you feel good. (It can be from any period of your life.) Double points if you post a picture of yourself in the outfit.

Does a swimsuit count as an outfit?

This blue bikini was the first two-piece I’ve worn since I was a toddler splashing around the wading pool in Grandma’s back yard. I felt really daring when I ordered it online eight years ago. One, because it came from Victoria’s Secret, and I don’t have the right curves to pull off much from their catalog. Two, because I’m pretty modest; never had so much of me seen the light of day in public.

The swimsuit made me feel good the second I put it on. It had laces I could adjust on both the top piece and the bottom to get just the right fit. Not too tight, not too loose. No weird bulges. No cheeks hanging out. A little padding so I didn’t look like a boy. I’ve never had a great deal of body confidence, but it shot up considerably in that bikini. Doubly so when the hubby registered his approval. So much so that I was willing to walk the Jamaican beaches without shrouding myself in an oversized cover-up.

Eight years have passed, and two years of over-indulgence in Carb Heaven England (every piece of lasagna comes with a side of chips and garlic bread) mean that no amount of lace adjustment is going to make it okay for me to set foot on a public beach in my bikini now. Too tight. Weird bulges. Cheeks everywhere.

But the little blue bikini is tucked away safely in a drawer, because in my mind’s eye I see myself wearing it again. A little more time in the gym, a little less pasta. I just can’t let go of something that made me feel so good.

Pie chart maker 

NaBloPoMo Tuesday, November 19, 2013
How much of the day are you plugged in? Do you consciously set aside offline time, or does it happen whenever it happens?

I’m plugged in about five and a half hours on an average day, including my work-from-home tutoring job, blogging, catching up with friends, and generally goofing off. Some days I may not even log 30 minutes online, but others I’m in front of some kind of screen from the time my eyes open in the morning until I crawl in bed at night. Except for tutoring, I don’t schedule my online time. Instead I let the demands of the day (and my mood) dictate how long I spend in the virtual world.

NaBloPoMo Monday, November 18, 2013
Tell us about a blog post that you didn’t publish.

I wish I had a juicy story to tell here. I don’t.

Sure, I’ve started some flash fiction pieces that fell short of my expectations and never saw the light of day. But I’ve never drafted a personal memoir or a soap-box rant then refrained from releasing it into the wild because in the narrative I may have stepped on toes or crossed some line of privacy/courtesy/respect. It’s never happened because I am so concerned with what other people think and feel that I shy away from certain topics altogether.

As a wanna-be writer, it makes me uncomfortable to know that I am censoring my thoughts, words, and ideas before they even hit the screen. I struggle between needing the freedom to tell my story, whether it be fact or fiction, in any way I choose, with respecting the feelings of those who might read my words, be they family, friends, or strangers.

Will a family member be embarrassed if I recount a funny incident from childhood?

Will friends question my morals and my sanity if I dream up a gruesome murder or a racy tryst in next week’s flash fiction piece?

Will I incite a venomous riot of hateful comments if I share my views on gun ownership or Obamacare or animal cruelty?

Will the drunken rednecks who nearly incinerated my entire street last week with their gasoline-fueled idiocy vandalize my house in retaliation if I tell the story?

Questions like these make me wonder if I wouldn’t have done better writing in a personal journal rather than publishing on a public blog. And they make me doubt my ability to ever churn out a novel.

You writers out there, how do I get to a place where I don’t give a rip about anyone else’s opinion and can just set my story free?