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Category Archives: On Me

Doomsday

04 Apr

100_8641-001Question 31
If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?

I’d like to ask a follow-up question, please. Is this going to be a targeted attack on a few cities, or an all-out global war? If the plan is just to annihilate a few pre-selected targets, I’d make sure I was as far away from them as possible then spend the week making preparations to shelter in place for the foreseeable future. However, if this is going to be a doomsday, wipe out all of mankind kind of war, then I would grab my husband and we’d spend the week visiting with friends and family, preferably in person, but by telephone or Skype as a last resort. Any loved ones we visited who wanted to join us for the rest of the journey would be welcome–the more the merrier as we try to keep our minds off impending disaster. During the final farewell tour, the car radio’d be turned up loud and the back seat would be a graveyard of empty take-out cartons and junk food wrappers–screw my current 1200-calorie diet plan, I’m stopping at every Chick-fil-A, Ruth’s Chris, Cracker Barrel, 7-Eleven, Chipotle, donut shop, and ice cream stand we pass (if I’m vaporized, no one will notice that I could no longer zip my pants). By the end of the week, I’d make sure we were in a place that we love (there are several that fit the bill, so we might end up picking one out of a hat) and my husband and I’d spend some quiet time on our own. As soon as there was confirmation that the war had begun and that it was as devastating as we’d been led to believe it would be, I’d hug and kiss everyone goodbye, swallow a bottle (or two) of sleeping pills, lay down beside my husband for a last snuggle, and pray that I had peacefully drifted off to a deep and endless sleep before the horrors of the nuclear holocaust reached our little corner of the world.

This has been the latest cheery and uplifting installment of Deep Thought Thursdays, brought to you by the provocative Gregory Stock, PhD, in The Book of Questions.

 
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Posted by on April 4, 2013 in Challenges, Deep Thought Thursday, How It Could Be, On Me

 

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Beef

28 Mar

Moo

Question 73
Would you be willing to go to a slaughterhouse and kill a cow? Do you eat meat?

No, and yes. There. Am I done? Can I go now?

Dr. Gregory Stock makes sure there’s no moral dilemma left untouched in The Book of Questions. I don’t like this question, because I’m not sure what it says about my character.

I knowingly and willingly kill flies, spiders (unless they are Daddy Longlegs), and mosquitoes. I have, on two different occasions, passively murdered mice. The one that died by poisoning took her last breath in the middle of my living room floor (my dad swore to me it would eat the D-Con then run outside and die while it was searching for water and I’d never see it), and I cried for an hour thinking of the babies I had orphaned. The second one got caught in a trap at work, but the trap had not humanely broken the mouse’s neck, and I had to club it to end its suffering. Cried about two hours, plus had nightmares, after that one. I used to fish with my grandfather, and finally stopped trying to revive the bass and bream by mouth-to-mouth once I realized I was going to have to fillet them whether they were still flopping about or not.

But even though I am technically a serial killer, there is no way on this earth I could kill a cow. Or a pig. Or a chicken. I don’t have any good reasons for being selectively homicidal. I don’t believe animals and insects that are small or don’t meet the classic ideal of cuteness have any less right to life than other creatures. If I had endless hours in the day, I would probably catch the flies that bang themselves senseless against the third floor windows and the spiders that drop from my ceilings like Marines rappelling from a Blackhawk, then turn them all loose outside (like I do with moths and ladybugs). I have switched to live traps on the rare occasions when I can hear a mouse scrabbling about in the walls. And my husband’s refusal to eat fish has converted me to a catch and release angler. Slowly but surely I am reforming my murderous ways, although the flies and mosquitoes will probably never be able to stop looking over their shoulders.

I have always said that if I had grown up on a farm, I would be a vegetarian. Not only would I not be able to slaughter an animal myself, I wouldn’t be able to stand knowing someone I loved was doing it either. But I didn’t grow up on a farm, and I eat meat. It doesn’t bother me in the least to let some faceless butcher in a distant city do the dirty work so I can throw a steak on the grill. Buying beef from a refrigerated case is cold (no pun intended) and impersonal. All I’m looking for is the package with the leanest cuts and the smallest bones. My brain does not wander to what this creature looked like on the hoof, with its velvety nose and long-lashed brown eyes. I don’t allow myself to think what its life might have been like, good or bad, neither lush green pastures nor dirty, crowded feedlots. My head is firmly in the sand…I see a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray of meat, nothing more, nothing less.

I feel very conflicted about this attitude…if I am not willing to kill a cow myself for food, why am I not morally opposed to someone else killing it for me? Killing is killing. I feel that somehow I am a hypocrite, although I realize I am in the company of millions of like-minded carnivores. I guess the easiest thing to do is just carry on not thinking about where the meat I’m buying has come from and not worrying about the ethics of the whole situation. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go throw a beef stir fry in the pan, because all of this deep thought is making me hungry.

 
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Posted by on March 28, 2013 in Deep Thought Thursday, Food, How It Is, On Me, True Life

 

Introspection

25 Mar

100_1731-001

I was reading Rarasaur’s latest post this morning, in which she mentioned having recently taken a quiz to assess her character strengths. Hmm, I thought, I am going to be looking for a new job in a few months, so maybe a little insight into my own strengths might be useful ammunition for sprucing up my resumé and answering questions during interviews. The quiz was a painless 15 minutes of clicking radio buttons, rating how accurately specific statements describe me on a scale from one to five. At the end, I got a link to an instant ranking of the character strengths (twenty-four were assessed) I exhibit. Note: I could have dropped $20 to get a 19-page in-depth analysis of each strength and how it manifests itself in my life, or for $40 I could have purchased a complete set of graphs, statistics, and psychobabble suitable for sharing with my coach, therapist, manager, or consultant, along with exercises for further developing each strength. Since I haven’t got a coach, therapist, manager, or consultant, I opted for the free list, displayed below for your entertainment.

Character Strength #1
Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence
You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

Character Strength #2
Prudence
You are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret.

Character Strength #3
Fairness
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.

Character Strength #4
Honesty
You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a “real” person.

Character Strength #5
Judgment
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

Character Strength #6
Leadership
You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.

Character Strength #7
Perspective
Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.

Character Strength #8
Gratitude
You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

Character Strength #9
Social intelligence
You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

Character Strength #10
Curiosity
You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.

Character Strength #11
Forgiveness
You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.

Character Strength #12
Kindness
You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.

Character Strength #13
Humility
You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.

Character Strength #14
Teamwork
You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.

Character Strength #15
Love
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.

Character Strength #16
Hope
You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.

Character Strength #17
Perseverance
You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you “get it out the door” in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.

Character Strength #18
Love of learning
You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Character Strength #19
Humor
You like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.

Character Strength #20
Zest
Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.

Character Strength #21
Creativity
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Character Strength #22
Self-Regulation
You self-consciously regulate what you feel and what you do. You are a disciplined person. You are in control of your appetites and your emotions, not vice versa.

Character Strength #23
Bravery
You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.

Character Strength #24
Spirituality
You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.

I was kind of surprised that Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence ranked as Strength #1–not that I don’t think it’s a major facet of my personality, I just expected it to rank below the next four traits. If anyone had asked me to rank Fairness, Honesty, and Judgement based on my own perceptions of how they apply in my life, I would have declared a three-way tie…and I wonder if my scores were actually tied in the survey, since these three strengths are listed in alphabetical order (if I’d paid $40 for the graphs, I’d know for sure!). If you’d asked me twenty years ago whether I thought Leadership would ever rank in my top 10 (or even top 50) character strengths, I’d have said no way, I am way too meek to be a leader. So I’m quite pleased that I’ve made significant progress in that aspect of my personality. I honestly expected Curiosity to rank higher, because I always have a million questions about everything, but maybe because I do try to filter them in order not to drive everyone around me crazy, that trait didn’t score so high on the questionnaire. I also expected Love of Learning to be much higher on the list, so I must not actually be doing as much as I think I am in that area. That’s definitely a strength I’d like to improve upon, but I bet I can figure out some strength-building activities on my own, without input from a coach, therapist, manager, or consultant (even though Creativity did only rank #21, so maybe not). Perseverance also needs to move up the list, although I’m not really surprised to see it in the bottom third. I have really good intentions in all situations, and my completion rate is outstanding when some other entity is holding me accountable, but my follow-through drops off if it’s a project I’ve set for myself and there are no consequences (other than a lack of personal fulfillment and feeling of accomplishment) if the task doesn’t get done. It does not shock me to see Spirituality as my weakest character strength. I do believe I am a spiritual person (though not a religious person, and in my mind there’s a big difference), but that is a very personal side of my personality, and not one that I explicitly share with others. I am content to let it lie at the bottom of the list, because I do think my beliefs guide the rest of my actions–I don’t knowingly cause harm, I help whenever I can, I stand up for what is right–and I’m happy to carry on doing so without any recognition of my spiritual motivation. So long as I never give anyone reason to claim that I did not act in a spiritually guided way, I feel fulfilled in that feature of my character.

So, having taken this Character Strength Assessment, I’m not convinced that it will be of much use in securing new employment…not sure Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence is a marketable skill in many fields. However, it provides fuel for some serious introspection and guidelines for personal growth, which are never bad things. In the meantime, if anyone knows of a similar assessment for career-related strengths that might actually be applicable when I attempt to re-enter the full-time workforce, I’d appreciate the link!

 
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Posted by on March 25, 2013 in How It Is, Monday Mix, Observations, On Me

 

Focusing

23 Mar

HPIM1671I spy with my little eye

Thanks to gracious visitors to my own site, I’ve found lots of fun and interesting blogs to follow since I started my little blogging resolution in January. Thinking initially that I’d found just one more way to lose myself in the internet and hone my procrastination skills, I’m pleasantly surprised to report that I’ve actually been using these resources to fuel my imagination and expand my blogging horizons. I recently viewed a post by Cee Neuner at Cee’s Photography, where I learned about a photo challenge hosted by Ailsa Prideaux-Mooney on Where’s My Backpack? Each week, Ailsa suggests a theme, and encourages both aspiring (me) and actual (Cee) photographers to share the photos they believe best represent their interpretation of said theme. In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Ailsa had declared last week Travel Theme: Green, and though I did not submit anything for the challenge, I kept it in mind when I was walking on Thursday.

It’s amazing how much you see when you have a specific focus. Knowing that I was looking for green, my eye was drawn to stuff I know I’ve passed a hundred times without noticing. For the first time on Thursday, I noticed that one of my favorite houses along the canal route has bright glossy green shutters–in the past I’d been too busy taking in the overall imposing brick structure of the home and the mystery of its always-burning ceiling light in the second floor window to notice the shutters. I noticed how many of the canal boats sport green–from dark forest green hulls to intricately painted folk art in kelly green on the bows (one visiting boat that is not usually moored there was even christened “Greenfinch”–thanks for playing!). Of course, there were endless opportunities to photograph plants. I found an old log covered in a thick-piled carpet of spring-green moss, and some dark green clumps of snowdrops cowering in the shelter of a sturdy hedge. And then I saw the algae garden growing on the exposed wall of an empty lock along the canal (pictured above). At first, I was quite taken by all the different kinds of algae in such a small area, then by all the shades and textures of each variety. Unfortunately, being on the opposite side of the canal precluded me from taking any macro shots (too cold for a swim, and no boats in sight approaching the lock who might have let me hop aboard for a few quick snaps), but my hands were itching to pet the velvety carpet of algae on the left, glide over the slimy glop in the middle, and lift the trailing strands of the clump anchored at the top right.

Whether I ever publicly respond to Ailsa’s challenges or just use some of her past suggestions to guide future photo walks, I like the sense of purpose I felt going out in the world armed with a theme. It was a powerful experience to note how much my eyes were opened to new sights and how I gained new perspectives on familiar sights. For too long I’ve been so busy looking at the forest that I didn’t see the trees…

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2013 in How It Is, Observations, On Me, True Life

 

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1%

21 Mar

HPIM1696It’s Thoughtful Thursday, and time for another random question from The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, PhD.

Question 5
If a new medicine were developed that would cure arthritis but cause a fatal reaction in 1 percent of those who took it, would you want it to be released to the public?

Funny that Dr. Stock has chosen arthritis for this question. I happen to have rheumatoid arthritis (RA), which is an autoimmune disease that causes my body to attack its own joints. I was diagnosed in 1994, two months after my college graduation. At first, the symptoms were mild—a couple stiff fingers, a slight twinge when I rotated my wrist, a vague feeling of fluid in my knees. I had a pretty physical job at the time, so I chalked it all up to overuse, took a couple Advil, and carried on. Within a couple weeks I was popping four Advil every two hours to just barely take the edge off the pain and swelling that were wreaking havoc with my fingers, wrists, elbows, knees, and ankles. I knew there was something more than overuse to blame, so made an appointment at a medical office where a PA told me I had a virus and should drink plenty of water. I suffered another week before going back for a follow-up, barely able to get into the car on the day of my appointment because I couldn’t bend knees swollen to the size of volleyballs or turn the key in the ignition without tears of pain streaming down my face. Finally, a blood test earned me a referral to a rheumatologist who diagnosed RA and started me on a cocktail of side effect-laden drugs.

I was lucky. Prednisone (a steroid known to cause osteoporosis with long-term use) is GREAT stuff, and eliminated the pain and swelling in my joints within about 30 minutes of my return from the pharmacy. It continued to work its magic for several months while the long-term regimen of Ansaid (a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug known to cause intestinal bleeding), Plaquenil (a disease modifying antirheumatic drug known to cause eye damage), and methotrexate (a chemotherapy agent known to cause liver damage) had time to build up in my system and suppress my immune system. Within six months, I looked and felt like a normal human being again, so I was happy to overlook any and all possible long-term side effects. Coming off the prednisone was a long, arduous process, but in about eighteen months I was finally able to do it. For the next twelve years, I continued on the Ansaid, Plaquenil, and methotrexate, and was doing so well that my rheumatologist believed I was in remission and encouraged me to begin weaning myself off all of those medications. I was drug-free for nearly a year before symptoms began to reappear, and I gradually added back all of the old medications, ramping up to and surpassing my previous dosages to try to control the flare. When it became obvious that the old drugs were no longer working, my rheumatologist started me on self-injected Enbrel, a TNF inhibitor that is one of the new biopharmaceuticals designed to treat autoimmune diseases. Again, I was lucky, and as soon as the Enbrel kicked in, I was able to eliminate all of the other medications once more. I’m now symptom-free as long as I continue my weekly (or biweekly if I’m feeling really good) injections. The trade-off is that treatment with Enbrel means I have an increased risk of developing a serious infection that could lead to hospitalization or death, and also a “several-fold” increase in the risk of developing lymphoma compared to the general population.

So, back to the question. I am interpreting it to mean that a single treatment would cure the arthritis—gone, completely and forever—with no side effects to worry about down the road, and that for the unfortunate 1 percent, death would come immediately after taking the medication. Therefore, I say absolutely, release it to the public. I’d be first in line to take it. For me, the one in a hundred chance of immediate (and I’m also assuming quick and painless here) death is a small worry compared to wondering every time I inject myself if this’ll be the dose that kicks off some horrible infection or lymphoma. A quick death as one of the 1 percent doesn’t sound as terrible as a long, agonizing, and ultimately unsuccessful battle against infection or cancer. And the other 99 percent, some of whom have likely not experienced the same success in eliminating their symptoms as I have, would have their lives back. They could once again take a walk, open a door, wrestle on the floor with their children or their pets, play the piano or the fiddle or the saxophone, twist off the cap of a cold beer, knit a sweater, assemble IKEA furniture, cut up their own steak, hold a toothbrush, run up the stairs, dig in the garden, button their jeans, turn on a lamp, tie their shoes…

 
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Posted by on March 21, 2013 in Deep Thought Thursday, How It Is, On Me, True Life

 

Druthers

14 Mar

vacation85As has become my habit on Thursday, I’ve chosen a random question from Gregory Stock’s The Book of Questions to ponder today.

Question 139
Would you rather spend a month on vacation with your parents or put in overtime at your current job for four weeks without extra compensation?

Although I wouldn’t actually mind four weeks of unpaid overtime at any of my four current part-time jobs, this one is a no-brainer. I’d pick the month-long vacation with my parents in a heartbeat. The last family vacation we shared was the summer before I started college–gulp–twenty-three years ago. I had no idea back then that I’d never again enjoy a getaway with Mom and Dad. Sure, I’ve spent time with them since then…I went to their house on weekends, they came to have dinner with me, we spent holidays together. But never again did we all drop everything to go off somewhere and explore a new place in each others’ company.

When I was growing up, we had some wonderful family vacations. Like almost every other American family, we made a pilgrimage to Orlando to meet Mickey and Donald. In a car  with a broken air conditioner, we drove across scorching highways of the midwest to reach the majestic (and blissfully cool) Yellowstone National Park, swinging through Colorado on the way to scale Pike’s Peak and catch a rodeo. We spent a week on the Gulf coast of Texas, where I found my first sand dollar and saw my first waterspout. Some years we’d simply make our way from wherever Dad’s job had us living back to Virginia where grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were based. The week or two we’d spend with extended family was punctuated by outings to Colonial Williamsburg, D.C. museums, and area amusement parks.

Once I moved completely out of my parents’ house after college, I’m not sure they or I ever contemplated the idea of going somewhere together to escape the obligations of day-to-day life and become reacquainted with each other. Then one shocking day in April 2006, my dad died suddenly and any possibility of vacationing with both my parents as an adult died with him. Now that I am married to a man who has both a love of travel and an overseas job that lets us explore lots of new places in our free time, I find myself frequently longing for a chance to share some of these experiences with my parents. I’d love to hear what they think of the people and customs and sights I’ve been lucky enough to see. Even if we didn’t travel to a foreign or exotic location for vacation, I’d love to just have time, away from all the responsibilities that get in the way when you are together at home, to talk to them about their past, my past, our past. To see them relax, to hear them laugh. To thank them for all the vacations of my childhood, and to plot future family get-togethers. I wouldn’t view a month-long vacation with my parents as a choice between the lesser of two evils, as implied in this question. It would be a gift more precious than gold.

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2013 in Deep Thought Thursday, How It Was, Memoirs, On Me, True Life

 

Jailbreak?

09 Mar

100_1385
Scaling walls to find creative freedom

It’s been years since I’ve done any creative writing. Once I hit high school, writing became strictly research papers, persuasive essays, and lab reports. I’ve gone through random spells of journaling in the past two decades, but there’s been no creative writing. No poetry, no short stories, and certainly no novels. And it wasn’t just that I wasn’t writing creatively…I wasn’t even thinking creatively anymore. As I got older and life filled with more and more responsibilities, I allowed all of my creative outlets to shut down–writing went first, then crafty projects followed, and for several years I even stopped reading because there was “no time.”

Making this commitment to blog daily throughout 2013 might just be my own personal prison break. I’ve scaled the wall of responsibilities, both real and imagined, crawled carefully over the barbed-wire of my own inhibitions, and now find myself standing, somewhat bemused, in the world of anything is possible. I’ve read three books since January, and have two currently in progress (that doesn’t hold a candle to my high school reading pace, but it’s a vast improvement over the wordless drought that’s parched my life since the mid-90s). For my first tentative attempts at fiction in more than twenty years, I’ve found great support from other writers in the blogosphere, and I credit that encouragement for a marked increase in the number of spontaneous creative thoughts I’ve been having the past week. I hope the trickle implies that a dam burst is imminent. For the first time, I feel like a notebook that goes everywhere I go might actually be an ally in capturing some of these thoughts for future use, rather than an enemy sitting in silent accusation, adding more pressure because of its disuse. The taste of creative freedom is as addictive as Oreos, and I find myself willing, even eager, to spend more and more time in front of the computer chasing words and ideas down long-disused pathways, brushing aside cobwebs with every step. Maybe there’s a glimmer of hope, after all, that I can be a writer, not just in thought, but also in deed.

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2013 in How It Is, On Me, On Writing, True Life

 

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